Investment Banking Monkey - The All Nighter

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-366029722012-01-30T04:30:54.819-08:00Investment Banking Monkey - The All NighterThe tree hopping, tail swinging, pitch book throwing, tequila drinking and deal-breaking life of an investment banking monkey.Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.comBlogger1051100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-18702782000206671042011-08-01T03:34:00.000-07:002011-08-01T03:35:31.165-07:00Untangling the Ropes of Investment Banking in Corporate Setting

Investment banking has essentially developed coming from industries that spell the line of services offered in the banking and financial sector. Actually, this can be a area that's huge enough to determine how modern companies operate and financially thrive. Also, this area is continuing to grow into covering how institutions gather funds for business development and services provided by

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-24576603612870736372010-12-12T18:48:00.001-08:002010-12-12T18:48:41.083-08:00Investment Banking Interviews: Do you have a chance?

So you didn’t graduate from Harvard, you have no family connections on Wall Street, and you have no relevant work experience whatsoever… but you still want to work in Investment Banking? Do you have an ice sickles chance in hell of landing a job? Surprisingly enough, it turns out you actually still might have a shot. Recently I spoke with a few guys at a new start up that focuses on providing

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-10901792567050324662010-08-26T04:31:00.000-07:002010-08-26T06:31:14.769-07:00Investment Banking Career Advice: Where to Get It?

The other day a younger investment banking hopeful sent me a website, http://www.bluechipcareer.com/, and asked me if I had ever heard of it. Honestly, I have been receiving numerous questions from people looking for career advice. Though I may know some answers, I could not afford to reply to everything since I'm just too busy or too lazy to respond (Hey, you're not paying me to do that job!).

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-69741435819788732442010-02-02T03:56:00.001-08:002010-02-02T03:56:41.970-08:00How to Survive an Investment Banking Interview

If you are applying for a job in investment banking, the interview process plays a huge part in decision whether you will be hired or not. Before going into one, it is best to be prepared. Not only that you need to know your financial banana, but the truth is that every company is different from each other so it is difficult to make generalizations on what to expect in the interview. However it

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-12767097137447653162010-01-24T07:03:00.001-08:002010-01-24T07:04:21.755-08:00How much does an Average Investment Banker Earn

If you plan to become a part of investment banking workforce, the most common question to ask is the average earning of a worker in this field. Though there are a lot of negative things about the job such as no time for family and friends or being at the mercy of your client, this is a high paying job. Of course before becoming one, you would need to acquire good education, stellar grades and

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-77022120941897247052010-01-24T06:54:00.001-08:002010-01-24T06:56:43.269-08:00Extending Your Investment Banking Network

If you have graduated from a reputable university, going to investment banking will be easier for you. Getting a banking interview is not hard. However there are some that might have a hard time because the process is not simple. You need to be active so that there is no need for recruiters to schedule you. Build a network that you can rely on in the future. It is good to start to have friends

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-85410448567289163772010-01-11T23:27:00.000-08:002010-01-11T23:54:39.788-08:00Has American Express Lost Their Mind?

The stock price of American Express is now about three times higher than it was a year ago. Now that they’re flush with cash again, does it mean they’re going to make the same mistakes that got them in trouble in the first place?February 2009:American Express was so anxious about the credit crunch, they actually started paying many of their cardholders up to $300 to pay off their balances and

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-3910869022356234352009-11-19T09:43:00.000-08:002009-11-20T03:10:14.363-08:00Increase Your Business: Online Appointment Scheduling

Appointment scheduling software will help your business increase its efficient use of time. Just think about it this way, if you have many things to accomplish during the day, do you need to schedule it all out so you are sure you have enough time to get it all done? Efficient people have to schedule their time. Efficient companies have to work that way too. Online appointment scheduling software

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-623780786798084162007-11-07T06:28:00.000-08:002007-11-07T06:33:11.518-08:00Investment Bank CEOs: Another one bites the dust

As another investment bank head throws in the towel, another set of investment banking inspired lyrics begin dancing in front of your eyes, sung to the tune of "I Will Survive", but from that vey embattled CEO's point of view.First I was Chief counsel, And then the CEO,I pinned red umbrellas in my suit, But the shares they moved so slow,Investment banking was doing well, ECM made cash to burn,I

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-40621070367472027902007-10-31T12:52:00.000-07:002007-11-05T05:32:20.325-08:00The poetry of investment banking

It's late at night, you're in a cab on your way home and you are paging through you schooldays companion, a book of poetry that reminds you that there are people that have more to say that the overvalued manufacturing arm of the nation's largest conglomerate. As you page through the book, your financial overload of the day metamorphosizes with the words on the page. Before you know it, you are

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-24001370095721749982007-10-26T07:31:00.000-07:002007-11-02T09:21:12.732-07:00Stewie Griffin Meets Wall Street

A gem of a video...

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-81071275656014974692007-10-26T07:25:00.000-07:002007-11-01T04:53:14.099-07:00Investment Banking Training Video

The monkey's hat goes off to the performing artist in an investment banker's shoes in the video below.No comment necessary.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-35860676284145188902007-10-26T06:26:00.000-07:002007-10-31T12:59:44.261-07:00Investment Banking Banannas

Courtesy of another monkey...

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-29217609084023416062007-10-24T10:56:00.001-07:002007-10-30T03:33:37.472-07:00The investment banker moves on: out with private equity, in with the strategics

So what if the Kruelbergs and Blunderstones of this world are finding it hard to get the kind of cash from their investment banks that they did just a few months ago. It’s an investment banker’s duty to try and then to try harder. Prepare pitches, present profiles, think in the box, out of the box, around the box – whatever it takes to get that damn tombstone. It has to be said,\however, that

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-58852617479244627502007-10-24T10:56:00.000-07:002007-10-24T11:03:22.387-07:00The Monkey is back: the New Investment Banking Paradigm

It feels like an age has gone by since you last reflected on you existence as an investment banker. You almost don’t know where to start, what words to use, how to describe the feelings of bitterness, resentment, pride and greed that, in subtle, interwoven overtones, paint the skies of the investment banking universe.You sit reflecting on what you need to catch up on since the last time you had

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-21772739848547663032007-08-16T08:03:00.000-07:002007-08-28T08:06:48.219-07:00Where will this investment banker be in ten years' time?

So, the jury is out. You’ve been running around the bank, asking everyone where they thought you would be in ten years’ time. A great strategy, you thought to yourself, given the fact that you don’t have a clue as to what you will be doing and who you will be doing it for. After all, investment bankers are the some of the (self proclaimed) best brains around - the best and brightest – the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-55359884556308924102007-08-16T07:24:00.000-07:002007-08-16T07:25:49.861-07:00Letter to an Investment Bank's Shareholder

From: The firm's management committeeDear shareholder, We would like to take this opportunity to provide you an update of the recent trading performance of the firm. As you may already know, the overall market conditions, both on the debt and equity side have been rather challenging of late. We take this opportunity to explain to you, our fellow shareholder, the firm’s exposure to this market

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-84893433425486388622007-08-06T11:46:00.000-07:002007-08-06T11:49:00.786-07:00Hedge Funds

For your viewing pleasure...

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-40891532519020528902007-08-01T09:22:00.000-07:002007-08-01T13:44:23.726-07:00Born to be an investment banker

You wake up all hyped this fine morning, as a revelation passes in front of your eyes. You don’t need to have Rupert by the cojones in order to make your way up the firm’s structure. We live in efficient markets, as you discovered on your coffee break, and there seems to be little you can (legally) do to go round that fine point. But hey, as with all rules, there are even finer ways of twisting

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-77953156146468175322007-07-30T04:33:00.000-07:002007-07-30T04:34:16.165-07:00Games for investment bankers

Getting ready for the conference call:Step one:Prepare a four by four square, randomly filling each cell with one of the below phrases / words.synergyaccretivepitchbottom linerevisitdouble checkmargin expansion24/7scrubbedbenchmarkingvalue-addedaggressivepremiumimpressive growthmarketleverageStep two:Tick off each block when one of the phrases is mentionedStep three:When you have ticked off four

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-71688588595038620092007-07-30T04:01:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:31:16.551-07:00Value added in investment banking

Working for a client on the buyside is always fun. You’re in a kickoff meeting you’re your client, for whom the firm is a house bank, and you’ve just been handed a presentation the client received from an investment bank hired to sell the company your client wants to buy. The first thing you can think of, is trying to pick at little bits and bulbs that don’t add up in their numbers, spelling

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-4402274389045305982007-07-28T08:07:00.000-07:002007-07-28T08:14:26.838-07:00Douey, Cheatham & Howe

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-12641884607750508432007-07-27T10:03:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:30:49.492-07:00How investment banking is like royalty

Funny thing, you think to yourself, crouched over a discounted cash flow model on your screen on a Friday evening, that investment banking is so much like royalty. And not progressive royalty like a number of European countries have today. No. This is the old fashioned Marie Antoinette kind of shit we’re talking about here.Thinking about why you’re sitting over an excel model for a project you

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-51959884178498409962007-07-26T06:33:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:31:42.326-07:00Application to become an investment banker

(Click on the image to enlarge)This is how a real investment banker applies for a job.Confident,Articulate,Capable,Useless.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-40958262051425906452007-07-23T11:13:00.001-07:002007-07-23T11:13:29.775-07:00Harry Potter and the Deadly Hours

Two investment bankers meet in front of the lobby of the firm in the dark of night. Not a sound is made, and in an instant, like cowboys in the Wild West, they whip out their blackberries, pointing them at eachothers’ chests. In a few moments. They recognize eachother and make their way quietly into the lobby of the firm.As they approach the elevators, the doors open, and a managing analyst

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-61062702089214428352007-07-20T03:15:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:30:01.985-07:00Investment banking and efficient markets

...continued from "The kind of shit that (often) happens in investment banking"Having met Mike at the lifts, you head down to get a coffee. None of that cappuccino bullshit the silly little monkeys drink, and then ask for three shorts to make it stronger. You order an espresso - double. Mike has had a rough time - went home at four and was back at nine - he orders a tripple shot espresso."Oh,

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-17912225693998288132007-07-20T03:02:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:29:32.866-07:00...and the kind of shit that (often) happens in investment banking

... continued from "The kind of shit that (not so often) happens in investment banking"You waltz into the office at around 10:30 am, feeling like you own the place in light of the information you acquired the night before, on your way home from work. You get to your desk, drop your things onto loudly, look at your phone, where the red indicator light is blinking indicating that you have

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-50105020068907793292007-07-18T07:12:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:29:32.866-07:00The kind of shit that (not so often) happens in investment banking

So you’re leaving the office late. It’s 1am as you get into a cab to take you home. Bonus paid, money in the account and no offer at hand, so you decide to drown yourself in workaholicism, in the hope that you will forget that seven of your fellow analysts quit today and there are a good few more to come over the next few days.You can’t believe your luck as your taxi driver dims your lights, and

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-35039756876363632872007-07-16T11:39:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:29:05.938-07:00A New Beginning

Ok. So the news is out. Bonuses have been paid and the annual game of musical chairs is about to begin. You look around the floor, trying to guess who will quit in the coming days. You observe the analysts’ faces for signs of an upcoming resignation.A few cubicles away, Pete Flannigan is a substantial deal more joyous than his usual chain smoking, grumpy, sleep deprived self. He’s sitting on the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-37271889111941095002007-07-16T10:57:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:28:40.927-07:00Why can't investment banks take the shortest path from A to B

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-49543112677153298542007-07-16T05:30:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:28:24.116-07:00Failsafe Interviewing Techniques for Investment Bankers

Theres a great deal of paranoia when an analyst goes for interviews. This stems from a combination of the fact that ibanks promote a misplaced sense of loyalty to the bank you work for (lets face it, this is not a word that is in an ibankers vocabulary) and the fact that jobs open up and thus interviews happen shortly before bonus time, and no analyst wants to ruin their bonus by being seen as

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-71384375603479229612007-06-28T10:26:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:28:24.117-07:00Managing Analyst Syndrome

Now that it's bonus time, and every monkey (in many cases quite literally) gets a bonus. From top bucket to the bottom of the pile, a new generation of kids will be a few tens of thousands richer than they were a month ago. Investment banks in a bull market are very much like communist regimes in that sense - they don't really discriminate . Everyone gets a bonus and a pat on the back. The

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-22283687817344843682007-06-27T09:50:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:28:24.118-07:00Bonuses and Resignations

Bankers, for the most part, can be quite articulate people. It is a true shame that this particular one took seven years at a bulge bracket firm before sharing this talent with the world in a farewell email. "Dear Co-Workers and Managers,As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-2066513061506745922007-06-20T10:33:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:27:47.649-07:00Investment Banking Summer Intern Do’s

DOWear a striped tie. Do also make sure that the stripes slope upwards. This is a bull market we’re talking about. None of that downward sloping off the rack limp ass shit.DOCome in with a stubble after you’ve pulled your second all nighter in a row. Also, make sure that you don’t shower. This is the only way anyone other than the punk ass analyst who made you pull the all nighters in the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-73217620698665484562007-06-20T08:02:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:27:26.737-07:00Leveraged Buyout - a la Carte

No comment is really needed. Monkey will keep this in mind in the next private equity interview.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-44433987312178107732007-06-20T01:37:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:27:07.308-07:00Do monkeys on the trading floor get a better deal

You get asked whether monkeys on the trading floor get a better deal than monkeys in IBD. Interesting. You think for a moment...A typical junior banker will say that of course a trader didn't get the betetr deal. Come on, they wake up when its still dark, they don't get to make headlines and shape the futures of corporate America, England, Europe or wherever and they are far more likely to

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-27887812034967089952007-06-13T08:54:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:26:43.714-07:00…and Some More Investment Banking Summer Internship Donts

Don’t diss the competition:Many a smartass summer intern (see “Don’t be a Smartass”) try to impress their loyalty to their chosen firm by putting down the competition. Don’t. You never know whether your analyst who thinks quite highly of you is waiting for his bonus before moving to shitty, Goldmen or Moron Stanley. Don’t ruin your chances of getting a call to move once they jump ship just

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-28788976474237215732007-06-09T00:40:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:26:43.714-07:00Investment Banking Internship Donts

You sit thinking, what don’t you want to see in a would be analyst, running about the office during the summer, and you realize that you cant stop at a single thing. You’ve seen your fellow interns last year so things that made their analysts cringe, and you’ve head a fair share of analyst war stories to be able to draw up a comprehensive list of intern donts. Not from the goodness of your heart,

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-14744992107247605092007-06-06T11:12:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:26:43.715-07:00Investment Banking Summer Intern Success Guide

By popular demand you have been asked to provide a summer intern success guide. As many of you know, recruitment season has long past and it’s time for the fresh monkeys to crawl down from their penultimate year university trees, put on their best suits, shirts and ties and walk through the doors of the investment banking powerhouses.A voice in your head wants to say “shut up”. Interns are

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-76430892867727399102007-06-01T08:07:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:25:43.537-07:00What does £27k mean?

With the month of July slowly approaching, comes the anticipation of the first bonus. Man o man will you not be the envy of all your friends when you wake up on that glorious day in July, get ready for work and check your bank balance at the first ATM and wow. The numbers will go on and on and on and so will the smile on your face, thinking “it’s all worth it!” – that is, until your blackberry

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-90077189784603547082007-06-01T03:57:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.449-07:00Frank Johnson posts again

You can hardly believe that Frank Johnson posts again. Evidently disillusioned by the departure of his junior to Blunderstone. You never thought you would empathize with Frank Johnson, but on this one, you have no choice. You never thought you'd say this, but... "Frank Johnson, I hear you".

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-59182171776404846072007-06-01T03:28:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:24:51.861-07:00Reich Bank Equity Research

You are overjoyed to come across an equity research report on one of the companies you ahve been asked to research. Excited by the fact that someone in the research community has done your work for you, and to add to it, in an unbiased and objective way, you start reading...

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-51944730481562735252007-05-31T10:14:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:25:14.161-07:00Investment Banking is like Pac Man

This goes to prove that the best i-banking training is received not on the job or in organized training prtogrammes, but on the internet.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-70119851999934872792007-05-30T03:42:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:24:18.867-07:00Damn, this kid has got issues

So, today is the day HR assigns mentors to analysts in the starting class of 2007. All the bright, starry eyed graduates are in their best suits, in the lobby of the firm’s headquarters, with bright shiny nametags stating the firm name and a big smiling photo of the fresh from university analyst. Little do they know that these smiling photos will serve them as reminders of the life and enthusiasm

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-32220091191382697602007-05-25T08:58:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:22:55.065-07:00Computer games reinvented for i-bankers

No comment needed. Just walk to the closest HMV or Virgin Megastore and buy your copy. What? Surely you mean, just drop that excel spreadsheet, log onto amazon dot com and order your copy. What a silly thought, going out of the office in broad daylight!

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-52649903644268331582007-05-25T08:15:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:22:32.533-07:00Investment Banking: Competence revisited

Now that you’ve recovered from the shock of Kruelberg Kretin losing the deal of the year, the indignation of losing that job at Blunderstone for that very same reason, you decide to get on with your life, move on, and start crunching a new set of financials for a new dipshit client.A long term client of the firm, who has grown to be a technology leader in the IT field wants to acquire the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-64592470716287477022007-05-24T03:08:00.000-07:002007-05-24T03:10:51.166-07:00Another Investment Opportunity!

From :ibrahim munsa Reply-To :Sent :Wednesday, May 23, 2007 11:12 PMSubject :Reply me immediately.From: Dr. IBRAHIM MUSA,Attention please,I am Dr. IBRAHIM MUSA,The bank manager of BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA BRANCH. MY CONTACT CALL 0022676283191. I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that you will keep this as top secret.don't be scared or surprised, i am the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-57952122572541326172007-05-23T05:31:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:21:38.129-07:00The lighter side of Rupert

Rob gets a piece of "work" from the new intern and gives him this markup. That night, Rob finds the second markup sitting on his chair - "from Rupert!" Damn. Interns. They don't make them like they used to!

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-20657263237181450112007-05-23T05:19:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:21:08.407-07:00When in Rome…

You’re sitting in Rupert’s office, chewing the fat with this BSD that you almost feel like you can call a colleague! Nothing has been said yet, but you know it and everyone else knows it – you’ve got a job with the firm. You feel like a million fucking dollars (worth of bling handing off your neck) as you sit across the desk from Rupert, who after spending the first half hour of your meeting in

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-3858164476821929962007-05-21T04:29:00.000-07:002007-05-21T04:30:56.189-07:00Responding to an Investment Opportunity

This is how an i-banker negotiates...Sent :Monday, May 21, 2007 11:29 AMTo :usmanmusa777@hotmail.comSubject :RE: TREAT AS URGENTDear Mr. Musa,Thank you most kindly for the email you have relayed, which is attached hereunder. It is with much joy that I read your email. It is truly amazing that you have found my contact details and I am most grateful that you have decided to contact me. Engineer

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-629533056355391292007-05-18T11:42:00.000-07:002007-05-18T11:45:50.331-07:00Investment Opportunity

An an investment banker, one is constantly offered fantastic opportunities to make money. You are overjoyed to find the gem below in your inbox: From :us musa Reply-To :usmanmusa777@hotmail.comSent :Friday, May 18, 2007 12:43 PMSubject :TREAT AS URGENTTREAT AS URGENT PROFITABLE TRANSACTION MR.USMAN MUSA {MANAGER} DEAR FRIEND,FIRST I MUST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION, THIS IS BY

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-78982774234754183082007-05-18T11:19:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:20:23.651-07:00Reich Bank Equity Research

Click on image to enlarge.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-78210630769527872922007-05-18T09:36:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.449-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XV - Frank

The nerve of the guy. He's set up his own blog!!!http://frankjohnson.blogspot.com/

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-33473982015970253042007-05-18T09:15:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.450-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XIV – Blunderstone calls back

Your mobile phone rings. Withheld number. You cautiously pick it up.“Hello”There is a brief silence, before you hear the unmistakeable voice of Pete Anderson from Blunderstone.“Hi, it’s Pete from Blunderstone. Can you talk?”Wow! Blunderstone. Not calling through a headhunter. Calling you direct. This is it. They want to give you an offer. They’re gonna do it on the spot. You know it.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-75152626536140419822007-05-17T11:51:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.450-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XIII – Frank Johnson, you suck!

2:00 pm - Bid deadline (9:00 am NY time)Bid letter:Done, drafted and sent to Kruelberg Kretin to put in the final number (Frank doesn’t trust his bankers with shit like this), which he has done, and it has been faxed to the seller.Bank letters:Done. All done, credit approved and ready to go.Frank’s dummy proof database:Done. Even Frank can’t be caught off guard with this one.Sleep:None. It’s

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-40277763972487912662007-05-16T04:13:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.451-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XII – It's All Worth It

There are many things that bug you as an i-banker. The fact that HR leaves at five and you have to crunch useless numbers for Frank fucking Johnson in the wee. The fact that your client is a moronic self important moron who got a lucky break despite the fact that he can’t tell his arse from his elbow. The fact that he wants you to run countless iterations on countless financial models, using

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-81107536249027620092007-04-28T02:21:00.001-07:002010-06-04T16:25:46.338-07:00Tired? Need Sleep? Want a Break?

If you see something rotating – go home, you need a break! Recent studies suggest that the current economic meltdown is taking a toll on America's best and brightest, producing record numbers of bankers, attorneys, and executives seeking help for depression. So, if haven't been working hard and the circles are still spinning, get some help! Click on image to enlarge.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-55349739135930316332007-04-25T12:52:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:19:33.928-07:00Investment Banking Recruitment Clips

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-7233547790609325512007-04-24T06:38:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:19:11.420-07:00Bulge Bracket

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-87789485655807839102007-04-24T02:31:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:18:01.041-07:00What does a Junior Investment Banker do?

In addition to being on the company brochure, you get asked to present in front of a group of prospective interns who are coming to visit the firm tomorrow. You get given the boilerplate firm standard slides, so you decide to make some notes to amke sure you get it right. Click image to enlarge.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-67087465931455788462007-04-23T05:41:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:17:30.229-07:00Why Senior Bankers Don’t Retire: The BA Black Card

It’s the second week of the month and Wednesday, which means its time for the European firm wide meeting and conference call at 8:30. The meeting takes place across all the European offices of the firm by audio / video conference and in the main amphitheatre in London. This is the one occasion an analyst has to be seen by senior management, so rain or shine, one wears ones best suit, best shirt,

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-30631151608536396562007-04-22T06:47:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:17:05.082-07:00Sartorial Tutorial

Waiting for a batch of presentations to print at the print room so you can go home, you scroll BusinessWeek for something worth poking fun at, when you come across an article giving sartorial tips for would be investment banking job candidates.The article reads that you need to spice up a dark pinstripe and white shirt with a power tie in maroon or red. Being rather taken aback by the fact that a

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-86077091314366386042007-04-20T10:11:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.451-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – XI: How Blunderstone Adds Value

It’s 8AM. Sharp. You’re sitting in a conference room at Blunderstone’s offices, waiting for your interviewer to come in as you go over the scrap notes on the firm, their investments, and all the press clippings you have read on them over the weekend in your head. You know everything there is to know about Blunderstone. Say they ask why you want to work for them. You don’t really know, that’s

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-61570542808371519162007-04-20T09:36:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.452-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – X: Blunerstone Returns

It’s 4:37 in the afternoon and you get a call on your mobile. Withheld number. You pick it up and hey presto.“Hi, it’s Rebecca Nicholson from Assbury Moron.”There’s a positive sounding ring to her voice. You can’t tell if it’s the fact that it’s Friday and she’s already packed her bags and ready to take the Eurostar for a shopping weekend in Paris or whether she has something genuinely good to

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-84909227237992418902007-04-19T07:34:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:12:42.962-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – IX : Back to Basics…

As you stare into your computer, a new mail message pops up in the corner of your screen. It’s from Jennifer from HR. Shit, you think to yourself. This reminds you of the call you got from her, thinking she knew about Blunderstone (see The Kurelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence). Knowing that you’re not going to make the mistake of crediting HR with intelligence for the second time,

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-24812332586677529222007-04-18T11:24:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:16:36.799-07:00The devil is in the detail

A fellow monkey is confused by a couple of technical questions, so you decide to enlighten them:1 - Why shouldn’t two companies merge?Because one is private and the other is public, so the i-bank will make more fees by IPO ing the private one and THEN advising on a takeover: double whammy.Alternatively, because both companies use your i-bank as an M&A advisor, so if they merge, you'll only be

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-83910224439218912082007-04-17T09:38:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:16:10.435-07:00I-banking is like Barbie

Blunderstone aside, your focus being on a meaningless meeting you have gotten roped into because, frankly, noone else in the firm could be bothered to go, so Gianluca, a smelly director from the media team has roped you into coming in. The client, a major UK plc has its offices in the centre of town, so you take a black cab only to find that the heavy traffic will get you nowhere. You pay the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-89130917564467211292007-04-17T01:57:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:15:33.706-07:00Bullshit Bingo

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-16228884503238660972007-04-10T08:54:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:15:09.770-07:00Glossary of Investment Banking

AnalystThe analyst is the lowest form of life in the banking organization. In a desperate attempt to stop being the lowest for of investment banking existence (remember, interns do not officially exist), analysts are often classified into ranks. Analyst 1 is thus an analyst who has been in banking for one year, Analyst 2 for two and Analyst 3 for three. There are no Analysts 4 in a bull market.

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-50548103065593788452007-04-06T03:25:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:13:54.602-07:00A Belated Introduction to Investment Banking

What is it really that is done in i-banking and what is it really all about? You know that you are in no position to claim to be an authority of any kind on the matter, so you set out answer this very important question by asking seasoned professionals within the firm. You do the rounds, sneaking in the question over a coffee or a Friday 5pm beer, as the you feel is more appropriate. The list of

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-58838696707471874982007-04-03T09:23:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.453-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence

You’re back at work in the majestic headquarters of the firm, with your feet firmly planted on your desk, as your phone rings.“Hello”“Hi Mike, this is Jennifer from HR.”Shit! They know. How the fuck can they know you’ve seen Blunderstone. Was it a test? Was it a fake interview organised by HR to test your loyalty to the firm? Does the firm have such strong relationships with clients like

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-715657404373321932007-04-02T02:59:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.453-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode VII: Blunderstone

The alarm clock rings and you jump out of bed full of excitement, even though you have any managed to scramble three hours of sleep. It’s 6:35 and you only left the office at three, working on Frank’s stupid precedents (yes, like all things in banking, they took longer to complete than you expected). You have a shower, get dressed and buy yourself a triple shot cappuccino in the Costa coffee on

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-598452264005940422007-03-28T10:15:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.454-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode VI: The Headhunter Call

You sit comfortably at your desk. Excel is looking you straight in the face. You feel like a concert pianist, performing a masterpiece in front of a concert hall full of appreciating fans, as you format the pie charts on the powerpoint on your screen to absolute perfection. It’s the list of profiles for Frank – who asked for a detailed profile of every single precedent transaction of relevance

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-24860376439651372422007-03-28T03:00:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:14:25.714-07:00Mont Blanc and the BPM

You are by now well aware of the fact that i-bankers don’t make much sense. They talk the talk, and rely on their BPM to dazzle their audience into believing that they have something very meaningful, something profound to say. Looking closer at the BPM, it consists of two parameters:Parameter 1 = bullshitParameter 2 = timeBullshit in its own right is insufficient to daze the audience and the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-30818370726534841852007-03-27T01:20:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:13:24.115-07:00Reading the Morning Paper

You’re in the tube on your way to work, and you open your copy of the New York Times. Not because you want to know what is going on in the US market, not because you are interested in what the Fed is going to do next week, not because you are working on a US deal so you need to be up to speed. You want to appear more American. The firm has brought in a new executive director from New York and he

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-69472977862557412792007-03-26T03:06:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.454-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode V: Fireworks (Frank vs. Rupert)

Bankers are very much used to talking to an uninterested audience and all of Franks questions are beginning to get Rupert suspicious.“Why is he actually interested in what I’m saying?”He asks himself again and again. He cannot understand how this one little meaningless company can be so interesting. He was only trying to sound smart and fill the long meeting with some smart sounding comments and

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1296855841143873712007-03-23T09:57:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:12:25.681-07:00The tombstone

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-76503908083945785002007-03-23T06:57:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.455-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode IV: The Mexican Standoff (Frank vs. Rupert)

Within seconds of sitting down, frank opens up the presentation in front of him and pages through the table of contents. He hovers over the pages, as Rupert talks to them, like a hawk, keenly on the lookout for any errors and omissions. His years of investment banking training have given him the ability to spot errors from miles away. You tremble as he flips the pages with his red pen, circling

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-22579989046127136402007-03-21T09:22:00.002-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.455-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode III: Meeting Frank

Christmas usually comes once a year, but this is your lucky year, and Christmas came early – you’re going to be taken to a meeting with Frank, at Kruelberg’s Mayfair offices. Your attendance has already been confirmed. You naturally feel excited to be given the honour of meeting the great Frank Johnson, who although is really a nobody at Kruelberg, is a nobody at KRUELBERG. The fully staffed team

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-62631905072202781622007-03-21T09:22:00.001-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.456-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode II: Carrot and Stick

You drift away in a flash from the warm cozy images of the warm tropical water splashing your face as you sit on the beautiful sandy shores of your private island, surrounded by crystal clear water and palm trees to give you that perfect shade - splash on the face and welcome back to reality – you realize you are in the men’s room again, trying to keep awake, banging your head against the brick

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1516698588482884372007-03-20T12:42:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:08:08.456-07:00The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode I: The Kickoff

You’re on a conference call (on mute) with Frank from Kruelberg on the other line, as you catch yourself wondering how does smugness transfer over the phone wires? It’s amazing. You would have thought that putting frank on mute would have put some sort of protective bubble, blocking the smugness before it reaches you, but no, no, no. The smug bastard is coming across loud and clear, as he

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-77014521688251547802007-03-16T08:59:00.000-07:002007-07-30T05:06:36.084-07:00Kruelberg Kretin Capital Partners

You’re in the bathroom splashing water on your face and you look at yourself in the mirror and cannot believe what you see. You’re looking at this strange, tired creature that looks five years older, five kilos fatter and way more than five hairs greyer than what you remember from the holiday photo of you and your buddies from your beach holiday before you joined the firm that you constantly look

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-65729793961315421732007-02-06T07:30:00.000-08:002007-07-30T05:03:10.341-07:00No Comment

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-75051062143043292062007-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:002007-07-30T05:02:39.681-07:00The lighter side of Rupert

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-64557107040136550642007-01-11T03:11:00.002-08:002007-07-30T05:01:56.794-07:00How i-Banking is like the Wizard of Oz

It’s Christmas and you’re sitting back home stateside, watching the Wizard of Oz, and it strikes you that the wonderful world of i-banking is very much like the wonderful wizard of Oz.DOROTHY:Dorothy is none other than yours truly, dreaming of a place where there isn’t any trouble. Ok, a little more specifically, dreaming of place where there isn’t any trouble for yours truly. A place where you’

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-8106671911464928452007-01-11T03:11:00.001-08:002007-07-30T05:01:12.801-07:00Meet Henrietta Pizza

As with every hot shot i-banking department, Rupert’s group is bringing lots of cash for the firm, which translates into Rupert having a disproportional allocation of pretty much anything he wants. This continuum remains until Rupert’s clients realize that his banker’s advice is rubbish and that they’re better off banking with another firm. Worry not for Rupert though, because it takes clients a

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-4816774240359360972007-01-11T03:10:00.000-08:002007-07-30T05:00:14.641-07:00Christmas Time in the City

Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Christmas time in the city and the admin staff is busy trying to find a venue for the department’s Christmas dinner. The dinner is a big event where Rupert shelves out a load of cash (carves out a portion of the department’s entertainment budget provided by the firm) and invites everyone in the department to a boozy dinner followed by a bar and club night.You relish the fact that

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-31792852363521283402006-11-24T02:33:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:59:39.414-07:00Sanity check

Its 9am and you see sitting in the boardroom of ScrewedCo, surrounded by Rupert, Rob and Dirk, a managing director from the Holland office. Dirk is a funny animal. The reason he is in this meeting is because he knows the CEO through social circles in Amsterdam. In fact, Dirk doesn't have a clue as to why we are seeing ScrewedCo.You sent him the presentation at 4am, just when you sent it to the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-55059949957660096142006-11-16T11:57:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:58:37.795-07:00Living the (fucking) dream...

It's a tick before 3AM, the i-banker standard switchoff time. A common misconception in the outside world is that i-bankers are like the Energizer bunny - they just keep going and going and goin. Well, unlike the energizer bunny who eventually gives up and gets a recharge, an i-banker (naturally this is solely the privilege of those sould working for a reputable first tier institution) does not

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-58652900154255507172006-11-14T09:50:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:57:57.553-07:00The grass is (fucking) greener...

"A True Story of what happens when you go to a smaller M&A place to be the biggest BSD. Experience the real-life drama. The excitement. The challenges. The dedication. Read, and feel the bending branches swish past your ears as our fellow monkey swings from branch to branch.”Someone offers you an analyst role after a shitty year at a big bank. These so called saviours promise you better hours,

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-55533221994184340022006-11-13T02:17:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:57:14.810-07:00How lucky are you?

Ok rock star. So you've been around the block. You've pulled your own Rob Tucker. You've done more all nighters than you thought were possible. You've become Rupert's buy and yes, you're back from the dead to tell the tale. You have added so much value to clients - if your value added were to be piled up, the mountain of shit would be taller than the Canary Wharf Tower. You are one important test

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-90815006032723875602006-11-07T08:15:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:56:25.597-07:00Why do you want to be an i-banker (3 months down the line)?

As you sit in the 9th floor corner conference, gazing blankly at the people leaving their offices at 5PM in the streets below, with the speaker phone blasting out the sharp, jargon loaded bankerspeak, of an MD from the New York office, you think back at the days when you were still applying for a slice of the action you are so deeply plugged into now (or is it plugged into you - you can't ever

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-47360600097167745552006-11-06T09:23:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:55:09.956-07:00Pearls of wisdom

You have been with the bank for almost three whole months when Rupert’s secretary comes over to your desk, asking you whether your diary is for lunch on Wednesday. Rather than replying “you should know – you’re my secretary too”, you check your diary, and notice that your diary is free all day.Like a lightning bolt, the rules of posturing flash in front of your eyes, and you reply that you don’t

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162555021898417822006-11-03T03:24:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:52:02.545-07:00The ASSociate

You know a big fat brownie has landed right in your lap when you get an email like this:From: Moran, Seth (IBD)Sent: 27 October 2006 16:07To: Moncrieff, Michael (IBD)Cc: McDermott, Mary (IBD)Subject: Presentation for MondayMichael,I just spoke to Mary who said you have some capacity to help me with a short follow-on pesentation on Project Magnificent. I specifically asked for you as I know the

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162483644329113362006-11-02T07:54:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:45:07.566-07:00Time = money (or so they will have you think)

Its 4AM and you are leaving the office. Your can is waiting for you outside the main entrance. You throw your firm standard gym bag into the can and hop in. You have been working 8AM and just want to sleep. After giving the driver instructions, you recline into the back seat and close your eyes. Your headache begins to ease and you begin to feel much better. You do the match in your head as you

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162376067897886822006-11-01T02:09:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:44:25.303-07:00Posturing - the magic is in the makeup

You know what posturing is all about. You see everyone around you do it. Rupert is an example in case, with his wide pinstripe suits, Hermes ties that scream “In your face!”, braces that he probably only wears because he saw Gordon Gecko wear them in Wall Street. The know-it-all tone and the over-chewed piping-hot-potato-in-your-mouth English accent are all part of the show. Male i-bankers can’t

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162311709689611012006-10-31T08:14:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:43:50.858-07:00Valuation: more art than science, more bullshit than art

You’re manically tapping away at your keyboard, working on a valuation for Terence Chang, an MD in M&A from the New York office (alarm bells should be ringing when you hear MD, double hard when you hear M&A and off the scale when New York goes on top of that). You’re scared shitless coz everyone says that New York is the shit. They know everything and then some. They are ruthless, and they don’t

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162231602353209382006-10-30T09:56:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:43:18.690-07:00Review time (you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours)

You’ve been around for long enough to participate in the firm’s 360 degree review process. This is where people you have worked with get to review you, saying what you’re good at and what you need to improve on. The beauty of the game is that you also get to review them. HR thought up this sophisticated review system that should make sure that reviews are objective and that juniors are able to

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162223953372727652006-10-30T07:39:00.000-08:002007-07-30T04:42:34.346-07:00I used to be a nice guy – and now I’m a banker

It’s the weekend, and by some stroke of luck, you have managed to get your Sunday afternoon free. Nobody’s called you and no emails popped up on your blackberry for a full three hours (you actually called IT and got them to make sure that everything was ok with the company server and that all that important email traffic from your associate wasn’t getting clogged up somewhere between his

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36602972.post-1162069336884116542006-10-28T13:53:00.000-07:002007-07-30T04:41:58.615-07:00Taking your i-banker hat off

A bit of cocky confidence and your fantastic ability to make shit smell like Chanel No.5 (see Working for Rupert McMuppet) gets you invited to pitch with Rupert to Company A, all on the back of your groundbreaking mini combo analysis. Well, actually, you did really try to do the same bit of “what would it look like if Company A tried to buy” every single one of its competitors, but nothing else

Investment Banking Monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12496977276173989889noreply@blogger.com0